I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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