it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I need to calm my uterus...
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
