I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
