I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
