benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
