Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He better not be in your backpack
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
