Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
i've created a new STD.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
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