It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
