I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
