I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
