does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
