bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
