I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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