so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
