I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
