Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
