I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
