he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
