I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
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