He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
