Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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