Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
