Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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