If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
