Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
