Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
