Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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