I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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