I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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