Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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