trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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