Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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