How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
