Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
