Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
