if i died would you start the facebook group?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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