Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
