I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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