I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
