i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
