I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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