Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
