he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
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