At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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