Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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