He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
