and next time when you feel me up, do it right
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Pants are for mortals
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
