i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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