I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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