Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
