Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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